Writing My Own Story
7 hours ago
Friends and Family.
I really love the Christmas season and for that I am thankful. I was afraid that Christmas would be something I would dread after Anthony passed away. Last Christmas was a fog, and now that God has taken the broken mirror that was me, and pieced it together in such a way that would reflect Him better, I was curious to see how this Christmas would be in comparison.
I have been nothing but amazed at His goodness and humbled at the blessing of the friends and family in my life. At church I usually sit in the same place every week, just out of habit. It's the same row that Anthony and I used to sit in and I was looking around me these past two weeks at church and instead of seeing Anthony's face next to me I see so many faces of my dearest closest friends and my precious family surrounding me. It is a beautiful sight and has very nearly brought me to tears on several occasions.
I have been so humbled when I look back at this past year and I see how so many people have made themselves available to me in so many different, yet profound ways. I have received cards of encouragement, I have felt the prayers for strength through what has been a challenging time, I have been blessed with invitations to do lots of fun new things, I always have a place to go and partake in a delicious home cooked meal, I have nieces and nephews that remind me that I am special and that I am loved in that completely innocent and unconditional way, I have felt comfortable completely breaking down and weeping with some, knowing that they love me and want to share in my sorrow. And just to have someone sit next to me and let me rest my head on them as I cry alleviates that extra pang of loneliness that can be so destructive. I have felt God's arms in my life through these people who have reached out to me out of love and obedience to our God.
I have tried to be diligent in thanking these angels in my life but none of them could ever know how deeply grateful I am to them for being so present and loving in my life. In this Christmas season I have seen God in a very real and human way and it has brought me to my knees with gratitude and thankfulness and joy. So those of you who read this blog and know exactly that I am speaking to you. Thank you, thank you so much for never leaving my side even though I know that it has been difficult at times, your presence in my life has so profoundly ministered to me. Thank you to those who have showered and continue to cover me in your prayers, everyday I realize just how much it is not about me or what I can do but about what God can do through me if I step aside and completely trust Him.
I know the Christmas season is so busy but I want to encourage you to look around and see the faces of the people that surround you. I pray that when you do, you will be blessed upon seeing how faithful God is in providing you with the exact support that you need, look close because you may see His hand in the most unlikely of faces.
Getting Caught in the Rain.
Who doesn't love the smell of rain? Or the sound of the raindrops falling outside? Who doesn't love how after a good rain in the summer all the colors seem to be brightened ever so slightly. :0) Or has the timing ever been just perfect so that you could stay at home with a good book and your favorite blanket (or snuggie) on a day that was particularly inclement. Have you ever loved when you got caught outside in the rain? (I'm not mentioning pina colada's so you just have to listen to Jimmy Buffet some other time lol)
Seriously though. When was the last time you got completely soaked in the rain? And why do we always run?
I was on a run this past weekend with my sister and it rained, and not just rained but poured... So badly that I couldn't actually even see directly in front of me and we were at the farthest point in our run, about 20 minutes from our house. Very quickly I started coming up with quicker ways home, I even contemplated hitch-hiking at one point. I wanted someone to help provide me with an escape from my present circumstances. It was at that moment when I realized, to gain the full benefit of this run there is no other way to get home but to just run home, no matter how rainy it got. Once I accepted that and pushed aside my slightly mild (note sarcasm) case of annoyance I found that my present circumstances weren't really that bad and in fact the run was pretty enjoyable. Well, you know that HUGE puddle of mud that I stepped in I could probably have done without but on the whole it was cool.
Now you know me and maybe I am overspiritualizing that run but I realized... Isn't that exactly our lives? Don't we find ourselves in various rainstorms that, once we get past the initial shock or annoyance, we find some kind of benefit from whatever it was that God just allowed us to go through? And there are even times when God allows us to miss the storms all together but when you find yourself in the midst of the storm, where is your focus?
The Way I Was Made.
I love that Chris Tomlin song... The chorus especially.
I wanna live like there's no tomorrow,
I wanna dance like no one's around,
I wanna sing like nobody's listnen',
before I lay my body down,
I wanna give like I have plenty,
I wanna love like I'm not afraid,
I wanna be the man I was meant to be,
I wanna be the way I was made.
I was thinking about this and wondering where in life you have to be, to be able to do all of these things with such an innocent naivity. To give like you have plenty, which means you may not have plenty but you're going to give anyway and trust that God will provide. To dance or sing like no one's around when in fact there are plenty of people around and you will probably ridiculed. Where can I get this kind of reckless abandon? Or maybe the question is, where and when did I lose it?
I guess that maybe if we weren't tainted by the fall we would all be able to enjoy each aspect of life to it's absolute fullest with no reservations. What a beautiful reality that would be, and what a treasure to look forward to in Heaven. As it is, I have to honestly ask myself do I trust God enough to surrender completely in ALL area's of life knowing that tragedy, sickness, or persecution will befall me? In our lives we've learned that being hurt is usually a byproduct of living with reckless abandon and so we are dissuaded to live as such. No one wants to hurt, or to watch another person hurt.
What I love about this song though is that no matter how many times you do get hurt, the same God that got you through that last hurt will get you through the next hurt, and the next hurt, and the next hurt, and you will be continually refined by His fire that brings out or makes our character. Don't get me wrong, this is not a message for all to live as recklessly as possible but it is a call to allow yourself to be hurt, to not be stopped or stunted by your fears of what might happen. Because isn't that a completely irrational fear? What may happen? Why worry about tomorrow when you don't know what tomorrow will bring and didn't God command us to let tomorrow worry about itself? (Matt. 6:24) Live your life in such a way that demands attention so that people will wonder and will be pointed to God as a result.
Update.
I can't even believe that it has been so long since I've posted something new on here! Thank you to my dear friends who have encouraged me to post something new. Time has elapsed so quickly that it is even hard to pinpoint one thing in these past couple of months to write about.
I was blessed to have been asked to speak at a women's conference a couple of weeks ago in CO. Two of my best friends came along with me and it was such a sweet weekend. I spoke to about one hundred women and though it was not without it's tears and difficulty, it was a moment of healing for myself as well as for those women God spoke to on that evening.
I spoke on two things:
1-) Look for God's end result as it will ALWAYS be accomplished no matter your circumstances.
2-) Don't be afraid. Because when you are faced with your worst fear, like I was, on the other side of it you realize that you are still alive having faced that fear and that God is still there and still bigger than that thing which you thought would most assuredly be your undoing.
This was so exciting because what the keynote speaker spoke on was:
1-) Will you kick the chains that God has allowed to come into your life and live a life of anger and resentment and miss the opportunities God may have for you or will you Kiss the chains like Paul did in prison and see your life's obstacles as opportunities to point people to Christ.
2-) Don't be paralyzed by fear.
How incredible is that? I never spoke to her before and God so orchestrated just what message He wanted to get across through two perfect strangers! God is so good.
Good Obsession, Bad Obsession Pt. 3
Good Obsession: Being able to appreciate the styles and garb of past times throughout history.
Bad Obsession: Taking that appreciation to a new level by not only applying it to one period of history but including ALL historical era's at once, and of course not excluding the historical era's of various and sundry fictional lands such as: Narnia, Middle Earth, Wonderland, Neverland, the apparently pirate infested Caribbean, some place whose inhabitants have all been cursed with satyr horns, Hogwarts, oh yes and how can one forget the land of men's tights, too small corsets, raccoon tails, and even the occasional cross-dresser.
Where do we see this Bad Obsession rear it's ugly and sometimes, if not most always inappropriate head?
The Renaissance Festival.
Take ye heed.
Only Makes You Stronger
I am in the midst of reading My Utmost for His Highest with a few really beautiful women as a Bible study. It's really a wonderful set up... a daily reading and when we come together we can discuss which ones meant something to us, and if we didn't read for the week you get to benefit from what the readings meant to others. This weeks readings have been really and sometimes uncomfortably appropriate for my own life. This reading I am about to share with you goes right along with my previous blog and has given me much food for thought as I go through my sometimes seemingly purposeless life, because I lack the ability to see my life the way God does.
"We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life--those are simply intended to be moments of Inspiration. We are made for the valleys and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina... Those times of exaltation are exceptional and they have their meaning in our life with God, but we must beware to prevent our spiritual selfishness from wanting to make them the only time. We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character. The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something."
We are what we are because of what God has allowed and strengthened us to go through. And we are then more equipped to be just what God wanted from the beginning when He formed you. It's all a part of the master plan. It's not what you go through but how you go through it that will make the difference in your life. Do I think that every adversity has a certain amount of "supernatural strengthening juice" that we should actively be searching for and gleaning from? Yes. Do I know how that works? Absolutely not. But I trust the author and perfecter of life and this is what He has laid on my heart through His words.
Unsettled and Irritated
I have learned so much about myself in this past year that I sometimes have to ask myself what would I do in this current situation I find myself in... One of the things that I have learned is that I am a forward thinker. One might say to ones self, "that's a lovely quality to have" and indeed it would be if it also were accompanied with the ability to organize and plan well and also if it were accompanied by a sweet and peaceful spirit. Since I have neither of these qualities I am in most every way, "up a creek without a paddle". Had I possessed either of these afore mentioned good qualities I would have either 1- thought to bring an extra set of paddles just in case or 2- been patient enough to just wait until a giant tree feel into the creek upstream and over time produced the perfectly formed, naturally eroded paddle for me to use at my leisure. As it is, my personality has deemed it absolutely necessary to keep paddling no matter what, with only my hands and perhaps some twigs I may happen across, until all the twigs have broken and the muscles in my hands have seized from overuse. Do you see my frustration?
There is nothing in particular that has brought this to my attention but rather a conglomeration of multiple factors that have made me realize this horrible truth about myself. It's as if the engine that is me has been completely revved up for whatever lies ahead and I am just still in neutral, still paddling up the creek and getting nowhere...
I think this stems from the fact that I know God has a plan and I am so ANXIOUS to know what that plan is or how I will get there and then as my engine is racing...still...and my hands and body are sore from trying to muscle it, I am hit in the face with these beautiful and freeing verses;
Matt 6:34 Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Phil 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And there it is my friend...I do not have that peaceful spirit that I so long for, because I have not given it all to God. I can't even really put whatever "it" is into words but the Holy Spirit is there to do that for me.
Finally I am able to relax, sit in that canoe and just allow God to provide, it's not through my strength or your strength, but through His strength that breaks the power of whatever Creek you may find yourself in.
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