What?
At first I felt guilty, like that sadness should always be mine to bear. Then I was confused because I didn't think that I still harbored such sadness... And honestly I can't tell you what it was. The morning of the 21st was preceded by several very difficult days and even months of confusion and tears, of not really feeling anchored and then one morning....
Lamentations 3:22-23
"For the Lord's lovingkindness indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness."
This verse, all of a sudden came alive. I was wrestling with God all week, wondering why? and how? and am I doing OK? Is this what you had in store? Is this where you want me? Is there more for me? And so on, endlessly....
God said, STOP. And look what I have done in you these past three years. Look how I have grown you. Look how your path has been prepared for you. LOOK.
Upon reflection I realized that even if I could go back to what my life was with Anthony, I would choose not to. !!!!!!! In that statement is the freedom of a long held breath finally released. I recognized that if I did go back, I would no longer fit in the comfortable niche that was my life. My life is new, different, and designed just so. It has taken me this long to descry this very poignant and in some ways fundamental truth.
I will always miss Anthony, and remember him with a smile on my face and in my heart, but he has moved on with his eternal life, and I feel like finally I am released to move on with my own earthly life. In many ways I have "moved on" but this final step is in allowing myself to emotionally let go and move forward.
Not to diminish the grieving process or the painstakingly difficult steps, but the grief of these past 3 years was, in an instant, eclipsed by what God the Father has done since. Amazing.
So in the observing of Dumas Day this year I smiled. :0)
A first, and also an ongoing process.
What is next? I can't even imagine, but I am more myself today than I was 3 or 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. I've said it before and I know it to be true...
God IS good.
6 comments:
Oh Kristi! Your heart is so beautiful and I am so happy for you. I pray for you often and miss you so much! If your travels ever take you to California, come visit me!
I love it and I have been following our blogs as much as possible. And Kristi you have done amazing things with Gods help. I think ultimately you understand and know it to be true in your heart that THIS that you just described is not just where God wants you to be or you are Happy to but where Anthony would hope that you would be (which you described in a previous blog)You are a young, beautiful and inteligent woman of God and although life on earth has ended for Anthony it has not for you because it is just his physical body that has died but his spirit lives on forever with God but also in this amazing woman you have become. You bring pride, integrity and honor to your late husbands name. BE JOYOUS IN YOUR NEW JOURNEY ALWAYS! Thank you for all of your encouragement, it always touches my heart.
These remarks are as beautiful as you are, Kristi. God bless you and bring you the very best.
Joseph emerged out of a cistern, to be sold to Potiphar. He then was put into prison, only to be elevated to Pharoh's house. I'd say it's God's style to take something we perceive as a hurt and turn it into all things beautiful. It sounds like you are on your way to Potiphar's house ... and perhaps one day on to Pharoh's! Jer 29:11 confirms that ... You are loved, loved, loved!!
Kristi, I am with you in knowing that GOD IS GOOD and He is GOOD ALL THE TIME! He has amazing things in store for you and I am so incredibly happy for you. I know that He is going to use you in a special way. Our deep grieving is for a season, but we shall always miss those who have gone ahead of us to be with the Lord!
Love to you from Jim and Martha
Wow, you are amazing and a blessing. Yes, God is good, and I am so happy to see how He is blessing and using you. You inspire me. Thanks for sharing your journey! :o)
- Christian Minter
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